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Around with Duke and John

The Low Down

Due to the tour’s increasing popularity, On the Bus Management has decided to take on board a conductress who will be serving drinks and snacks throughout the journey. So let’s give a big warm welcome to Olive.
Olive my love, I know you’re a little short-sighted, but you’ll be all right. Bleedin’ ‘ell, take a Pat Butchers at this lot. They look like they’ve come straight out of Broadmoor. Good luck, girl.
Thank you Duke. Fares please! Hey you, keep your hands to yourself!
Calm down, Olive, it’s in your contract to serve nuts.
Ok, we’re off and running straight down to the beachfront at Los Cristianos to O’Flaherty’s, where it’s getting livelier and livelier - and no wonder. Jane’s two lovely daughters, Liberty and Olivia will serve all you happy people (they get more tips than wages), while you sit back and listen to the island’s best cabaret artists including, amongst others, Colin Wilson’s Soul and Motown Show.
How you doing on your first outing, Olive?
They’re a bit rowdy, Duke, but I will be serving them some calming Sangria in a mo. At least I think it’s Sangria, I can’t see a thing out of these glasses…
Clean ‘em, girl! Next stop, Harry Ramsdon’s in the Apolo Center for the island’s best fish and chips plus great entertainment.  This lot look like they could do with a good feed - well, no problems here. Olive, Let them out, because Dave Varley’s tribute to Freddie Mercury is starting. But keep a good eye on that dopey cow with no teeth, she might gum him to death.
All back on, Olive? Okay, start serving the Sangria. Hey, where’s that old-style blues music coming from?
Duke, Special FX has fitted a superb P.A. system on the bus. Put the Monster Mash on for this lot and stop them dancing.
Fair enough. Right, off we go again, straight down to Eugen’s in San Eugenio. The island’s number one compere Mike Carlton, poor sod, is going to suffer with this lot. Let them off, Olive - it’s really hotting up in here. From Soul and Motown to the very best tributes, you’ll find them all. Just see their ad for more information.
Round them up, sweetheart. ‘ere, are they okay? They look really pi**ed to me. Olive, what have you put in that Sangria?
I topped it up from that red can, Duke.
What? That’s diesel, you blind cow. You should have gone to Specsavers, girl! Still, this lot wouldn’t know the difference. Get the blues music back on because we are off. It’s The Theatre next.
Duke, is this the place where Tenerife’s Got Talent is held?
It certainly is, darlin’.
Oh good. May I please sing ‘The Wheels on The Bus Go Round and Round’?
You taking the pi**? There’s real class going on here - even better than Britain’s Got Talent – so forget it. Instead, take a pew and enjoy their new compere - the one and only Tanya Hyde - who is drawing the crowds in and making quite an impact.
OK, three more venues to visit before this week’s magic journey is over. So Olive, shove ‘em back on the bus and let’s get rolling.
Right, we’re at Parque de la Paz so we can calm ‘em down in the Highlander. Say hello to owner Frank.
Hello Frank. Can Frank handle this lot, Duke?
If he can’t, Ashley and Laura can. A couple of lovely girls, ain’t they? Lovely! They serve good food here and are very friendly. Great little bar. Sorted. Everybody back on the magic bus.
I’m sorry, Duke, but I seem to have lost a few passengers somewhere.
It’s okay, love, I saw ‘em pop into Lazy Daze, the only bar on the strip with karaoke. Besides that, seven great acts are on weekly, including Lou Rex’s 70s Show. A real fun bar, this. Mike, Lorraine and Danni will make sure you all have a good time.
Let’s get going, Olive. Finally, it’s back down Los Cristianos to finish up at Hoops Bar - Tenerife’s first Celtic venue. What a place to end the journey!
Duke, there are a couple on board who want to buy a house over here.
Leave it up to me. Right Mr. and Mrs Jones, give Tenerife Property a ring on 922 724110 and they’ll look after all your needs.
Olive, is that it? Have they all got off the bus?
No, a couple upstairs want to go to Peckham.
Gawd! Well, from Olive and me, that’s it for this trip. Enjoy your holiday and remember these venues come highly recommended.


From Olive and Duke,
Cheers