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JOHN AND DUKE INTERVIEW STEVE DELSY

Brilliant, spell-binding, a superb entertainer – well, that’s Steve Delsy’s opinion of himself. Now, as you well know, Showtime always likes to get the facts absolutely right, without fabrication, fantasy or blind guesswork. To this end, we talked to Steve over quite a few gins and tonics at everyone’s favourite watering hole, the Salted Slug (local 15, next to the cobblers) in Los Cristianos.

D: Hi Steve. Nice to see you out and about during the day.

S: Hi Duke, it happens sometimes. And it’s so nice to be let out of my room, isn’t it.

J: Quite right. Have you eaten?

S: Not yet.

J: We already have, otherwise we’d have got you something, wouldn’t we?

D: We would have - honestly! So Steve, how long have you been here?

J: He’s only just arrived, Duke, otherwise, like I said, we’d have...

D: …on the island?

S: Three years, isn’t it.

J: Yes, it is. I happen to know, Steve, that your country of origin is Wales and, like all Welshmen, you are a wonderful singer, clean in both mind and body, highly intelligent, and an energetic yet caring lover.

S: I am, John. Diolch yn fawr.

J: Don’t mention it, boyo.

D: But despite all the above, Steve, you’re a fat bastard - and that’s the topic for our interview, isn’t it?

S: It is, Duke, isn’t it. Shortly after my wife bought me a rowing machine, I decided to go on a diet, because the first time I sat on the thing, it sank.

D: Ha! For a laugh, we could say that you ‘stroke’ out.

S: You could, but it would probably be better if you didn’t.

J: I heard your good lady also paid good money for an exercise machine.

S: Yes, and I immediately attacked it with relish. She then told me to wipe off the relish and start using it properly, saying that I needed to get into shape. I told her, ‘Round is a shape, isn’t it?’ Listen, guys, I’ll be honest - I don’t exercise much. I mean, if God had wanted me to touch my toes, He’d have put them higher up my body.

D: Fair point. But still, you are quite a fat bastard, ain’t cha?

 S: Duke, the funny thing is I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I start eating.

J: And the days are starting earlier now. Tell us, how went the audition for the role of Batman in the upcoming, imminent, any-day-now, soon-to-be-released new movie?

S: Crap.

D: Ah well. Was it maybe something you ate, like Luxembourg?

J: Duke, I’ve googled Steve a wealth of non-strenuous exercise routines. He could starting the ball rolling by jumping to conclusions, passing the buck and wading through paperwork - plus the two all-time favourites - pulling one’s hair out and running around in circles.

D: Excellent! There you go, Steve. Steve? Where’s he gone?

 At this point, Mr. Delsy had left suddenly (well, as suddenly as he was able), and the interview ended earlier than hoped. But we at least got some scraps of information – more than enough, in fact - and that’s as good as a feast, isn’t it.